Finished computing grades of Dean May's students. Since we will have an exam for Numerical Analysis and I haven't got any notes I can scan over, I'm clueless of what things I should do for the next hours except to do my laundry.

Yesterday was awful. [insert name here] left ignoring me. I hate to admit that I like him but at the same time I hate having arguments with him while I have this… this affection for him. Yeah, we used to fight and that wasn't bugging me before. But it's me who feels so affected this time. I like Benjie and [insert name here] knows about it. He always makes fun of me and it still feels quite good for a reason I can't put in plain words. I guess I'm pleased that we can talk even if it doesn't involve him. I get jealous when this [girl dada] comes and he always talks to her but I don't have to be like exactly how I feel so I just go away pretending I can't see *something*. Honestly, my mind is at its untidy heap with these 2 guys. I hate this! But I have no way out…

Okay, so I feel sorry for this man my dad yelled at. He was from this company who's just posting some ads in our store. He was asking for the store's name and that started it. I suddenly put this line, "think about how you'd feel if you're on his shoe" thing and I eventually let know my dad that it isn't nice to howl over to someone who's just obeying rules from his own superior. Well I hope this time that man will no longer get some nasty reactions from anyone. I'm not writing this to let my dad get busted on net. I feel sorry for him too. I guess he'd learned some lesson from me on the other hand coz he didn't argue anyway.

Things to do:
1. Get lyrics.
2. Make my personal site.
3. Review for DesAlgo and Discrete Math.
4. Have fun with avatars.
5. Find synopsis of How To Deal, Bring it On, and A Walk To Remember.

When you least expect somethings, that's when it will come for you. Oliver told me a news about Benjie, that he's about to leave PUP to settle for a new job outside. That was while Abby, Raych, and I were at the school canteen. Looking back to those of my past relationship or feelings for some good people, almost all of them broke up with me or left me for reasons like they have to try other things leaving me thinking about situations like maybe he just came to pass by and never meant to love and hurt me in the end. That we doesn't deserve to stay that way forever. Or sometimes they have to explore the other side of the world and that goodbyes are just part of living. Haayyy... I should never compare this thing I have for Benjie with some past dilemmas I've gone through. Besides, we aren't that acquainted with one another. And even if he has the idea that I like him whatsoever, he couldn't care less. What the hell, who am I anyway to him? Just some lad who have done some clumsy stuffs while he's passing. I'm a nobody! And I've gotten used to it a long long time ago.

He passed through the corridor just in front of the dean's office while we were all waiting for the big news tonight (The Kris Aquino and Joey Marquez' love but then breaking up story). It happened twice and I have no idea what he was up to on the 3rd floor. I started acting goofy again and they all have an idea about it. Oh, it's all about Benjie! Uhm, I hope we can talk some time. Some people should try to do the introduction speech for both of us so it wouldn't be hard to hop with the process of getting-to-know-each-other.

Guess what, I saw Jeff tonight and they're about to have an exhibit tomorrow. Wow, and I thought we might not have some chance of seeing one another again just before we graduated! His classmates were teasing us. I don't know why... But Jeff was someone special some months ago... oh, almost a year ago... But there was nothing we could do to change any relationship we had because he's attached. And I wouldn't want to hurt anyone... so I just made a choice of stopping at once. Uhm, it's all that. Better leave some feelings on a place where it should be even if you haven't found out if you'd become a failure or success is just some steps away. Because... it might not become as happy as I may think.

I just can't seem to understand why some people tend to be so unfair regarding with how they treat their people. This wasn't an issue to me before but since I was a bit annoyed after Watty told us (Me, and Abby) to get the meal they ordered from the canteen, I think it will just calm me down to let this be out from underneath my own sick-sad-world box. First things was that they're all the ones who like to have a merienda in the first place so they should be the one to get it. Okay so we have our share but why can't they ask somebody else to get their damn meriendas from the canteen sometimes? And not just wait for us to get our butt out of that office to do what they should at least try to do every once in a while. Like there's Carlo who was formed in a man's body but has this shallowness even girls often have. As far as I know, he's the one who always comes later than any SAs in our offices. He's not doing anything except to just boast about his hair which he thought was in a nice form or sometimes sing Regine Velasquez' songs loudly as he could when in fact, his voice's so irritating nobody can even survive if in some cases it may threaten our lives. Another case of unfairness is with ma'am Canlas. She once lost her patience with me while I greeted Watty in their office way back some weeks. I wasn't aware of what was wrong until Watty told me that ma'am Canlas almost lost her patience with me. What did I do wrong? Okay maybe doing it on my natural voice mode irritates them. Sorry but it was me and they should try to understand it as how they tolerate Carlo's undesirable noises. Now who's not looking on both sides of the road? Damn... I wanted to resign. But that will just make me look exactly like a chicken! So better not. And why would I be affected when I'm gaining some benefits while working there.

I saw Benjie just once at the ground floor yesterday while Abby and I were on our way to the canteen. He saw us but as usual, he acted like he didn't. Hmp! Pakipot pa!. Basta, I'm infatuated with him! Ah, I'm going crazy! Ugh!

While on my way home and on a jeep to Fairview last night, this girl beside me has a discman with her. I could hear the loud music from the headset she's wearing. But suddenly, while I was pondering about what I'm about to type in here, she loudly sang a part of the song I will be here, "when you need to speak your mind, I will listen...." Hahaha! The moment I've heard of her, I smirked! Maybe she wasn't aware about how loud her voice was and I couldn't blame her. She's listening in full volume! Something to laugh about last night...

Well, another day ends and here I am again putting onto words all that just happened today. I was in school as early as 7:30 AM. I was in charged to distribute the grades of dean May's students. All went so well but I was thinking ma'am May would probably get mad or something but as my paranoid mind allows situations to be absolutely opposite, there wasn't something I should worry about at all. Ma'am Anne just talked with us, including Raych, Mark and Windell about her policies at the office. Ma'am Dina gave her role to Ma'am Anne finally after some time of doing the secretaries job although she was promoted to become a regular faculty of CCMIT. All were pleasingly good and somehow our workloads are much define and organized.

Benjie went up to our office this morning not just once but three times. At first, he was with sir Joel asking Windell if he'll be playing on the game. The next was just him alone. I was outside when he sneaked inside. And so when he's about to go, I was in front of him. I really am not aware of how I looked that time whether I was smiling or I look clumsy of some sort. But one thing's for sure, he looked on my way. Well even on his first sneak at the office, Raych and I were eating our snacks we bought in the canteen. And he was like finding someone inside although he could almost see Windell. I'm not assuming or something but I think he knows me and I know guys so well nobody can ever change my theories about them. For sure he likes being admired and so he doesn't care whether I'll stalk him or not. It's just the admiration and fluttering thing he's up to. I even saw him once outside but he never bothered to come near the office door. That almost completed my day but after our class in Design Algorithm, Raych and I decided to have our snack... again. And guess what, sir Apanay, Benjie and Mike Cajucom just finished their food and was about to go back to their own office. I decided to follow them with Raych who was just laughing on the situation but she definitely think that I look nuts. I was talking about Benjie when I realized that Mike was just behind us. Duh! That's a minus point! Back at the office eating a rice-in-a-box when Windell and Manny made fun of me. They called Benjie using their local and I was thinking that they're just fooling around but then realized that they're just doing something embarassing when I got the phone from Windell and listened to the other line. Yeah, he was talking unaware that I heard him. Then WIndell asked him, "Kilala mo si Michelle? (Do you know Michelle?)" And then I just heard him said, "Oo, yung nangungulit sa'yo sa masterlist. (Yeah the one who'd been asking for masterlists.)" Windell doesn't know about it. It's Benjies recognition for me. And the Windell just blurted out to the other line that: "May nababaliw na naman dito eh. (Someone's going crazy here eh.)" staring at me naughtily.

That's just about all for now. Uhm, pardon about my words. I've no time thinking about good vocabulary and grammar. Even finding some words to make this entry sounds so interesting.

My mom has this regular mode of turning a little mess into a huge hurricane resulting to a no-talking situation for both of us. After doing my own laundry, I've decided to take a nap since I've felt worn out by the sunny-then-quite-rainy afternoon. After an hour, I've decided to take a shower. When she saw me going to the bathroom, she started hurling up her legendary words to me again! Not that I won't accept any faults I did just before I took my nap. Haven't she realized that I was just getting back to the reality zone from the sleep I had and it could piss me hearing her exasperating? She could have at least tried to explain what just triggered her patience. But she didn't. I wasn't supposed to explode right there but she said that we can't do anything but to ask money from them. That instantly made me teary-eyed while I was inside the bathroom. We didn't ask money from them just to buy things that we like. Coz we know the situation we are currently undergoing. They give us our allowances but it shouldn't be an issue. It's an obligation for whoever part of this family who can gain money from jobs or something. Unfortunate on their part, they're the ones who are capable much better than us to get some profit so definitely, we ask them for our allowance since we don't have our jobs yet. And through that I'm able to buy my things. Even when I was with my classmates renting an apartment.

I'm on a reducing process. I'm not satisfied with how I look and how I envy lads who could wear any shirts they want without thinking about their fats bulging. I know my fats aren't that visible but it's still fats and I need to get rid of these undesirable gain. I have heavy breakfast on morning, regular amoung of rice and stuffs at lunch and just crackers on evening whenever I feel hungry. It's effective as I was doing it on my apartment days. I just hope it'll work here at home and I need my senses to cooperate with me. Avoid looking, smelling and tasting too much of pretty fat-gaining foods.

I'm starting to get a bit nervous tomorrow since dean May wants me to distribute her classes' grades. She might get pissed off so I'm planning to get up as early as I can. Good thing my cellphone has another benefit... it's works as an alarm clock.

It's Sunday and I'm excited to see tonight's episode of Bachelorette but since it will be on TV at 9:30, I'd still be online to get synopsis of Daria.

We still have class on Saturdays so don't be surprised if I usually blab about my favorite day of the week about what happened in school. I hated my Psychology class so I was absent during that time and instead I went to the gym for the game. CCMIT won by default wehe. Professional people think too much about their works and putting some things like sport just below the list of their priorities. Duh, who enjoys too much work? Even workaholics deserve and still think about having some life outside their own offices.

I thought Benjie won't come coz Debbie knows that he don't go to school on Saturdays. But I just heard from him last night that he'd be playing the game so I still didn't lose hope and just about after at least fifteen minutes of boredom, I saw him walking toward his teammates. They just played with some organizers of the Sports Fest before the second game could start. I know he's aware that I like him. But I've felt like I'm a non-existing object there. He didn't even glance at me. I instantly felt that I'm way too dumb to do things such as watching his games always. He might even think that I'm stalking him. Oh, he glanced once. But I saw his lips uttered, "Uy andyan pala si Manny. (Oh, Manny's here.)" What a nut! He didn't even look back. Just when their game with the players from the College of Arts, I decided to leave since Manny who was just beside me a while ago left when he saw his former classmates. I was starting to get a bit weird talking to myself while going back in the office.

"Yeah, he's aware about you. He might be as well aware of what you feel for him. But that doesn't mean you should expect that he'll look back at you or even talk to you. Wake yourself up from too much dreaming. It wouldn't be fair. You'll probably end up disappointed or hurt."

And so I just hopped in the group of my fellow student assistants, secretaries and professors watching Meteor Garden. But then I asked Raych to go with me while I'll be distributing some invitations to some other colleges. When it's our time to go out and feed ourselves with foods we've been craving. I saw the CCMIT going back. I immediately told Raych that we'll take the way towards them. I didn't stare at them since I'm a bit shy knowing that Benjie's there too. But when sir Steve just looked at me I blurted out, "Sir!" When we passed over them I heard Benjie just said, "Uy isnabero. Di ka namamansin. (Hey snobbish. You ignored her.)" telling it to sir Ludy. Actually, it wasn't sir Ludy I greeted. But then just be it.

Okay so Benjie wasn't that snobbish at all. You just have to make the first move before he'd do his own. That's my problem. I hate to think it would make me look such a flirt.

Meteor Garden Season 2 is too great. I really really love it I'm planning to buy a copy. While watching how Dao got back his memory and Yesha finally spilled out her secret to Dao as well as to Shan Cai that made her give up, I couldn't stop thinking about how the two latter people had fallen for one another. How great it could be if someone would feel it for real. I mean how I wish people wouldn't be as shallow to think that pushing yourself way too far just to prove that you won't give up someone isn't a girl's ideal persona. I wish they would also feel the shiver it brings when two people fall in love not minding how things went for them. But even the greatest scriptwriter can never ever change people's opinion and reactions toward things such as this. And more often that not, I'm not a believer of what they call i'm-falling-for-you-because-you-care-for-me thing. I guess love that wasn't there in the first place has no chances of blooming. Yeah it will never be fair.

Another thought I've came up this afternoon:
"Lord, if it happens that no one will bother to love him, to care for him or even fight for him, just think about me. I'd be willing to do it all. But if somebody can offer much than what I have for him, then I'm willing to give this up even if time came that I've fallen too much."

I just had the best ride tonight while going home with ma'am Anne. Tungaw was great I wouldn't be surprised to know if the driver had taken drugs. The whole jeep was crowded with some drunk college students on the floor and on the open door. The vehicle's going wild while it was swaying with a full-blown music. I love the ride and I wasn't scared at all. I don't mind having an accident. Somehow, it makes me feel crazy and brave. It's just those drunk students who made me feel uneasy because someone just got sleep on my knees and this guy beside me puked outside the window. But I know it's typhical meeting people like those on patoks. Somehow they made me laugh and smile a bit while they were screaming like there was someone who fell like they forgot holding their grips on the doorway but actually they've taken their grasps so well.

The way some passengers looked made me think about what's my real label is. I think I'm a preppy-wannabe who enjoys some punk things. I really have a random personality. I'm not following any rules like if I want to be a punk then I have to be like this or do that. Just as long as I enjoy things then I'd be on it.

I watched Benjie's game today and although they lost the game, I wasn't disappointed. It's just him I want to see that's why I'm there I don't care about how he played whether he rocks or just sucks. I'm sure he knows that I like him coz he'd been seeing me around. After the game, I thought it was all enough. But tonight he went up to the Chairpersons' office and in the Faculty room. Kuya Albert saw him and he told me about it immediately. Gem gave me a good favor telling me I should go and ask him about the masterlist ma'am Alet requested him.

So with Abby, we went to PUPILS where he works. When we got there...
Abby: Kuya Benjie.
Benjie: Ako? (Me?). /*Abby nodded so he came closer*/
By the time he saw me, he just know why we're there.
Benjie: Ah yung masterlist? (Oh, about the masterlist?)
Me: Opo. (Yeah)
Then he went on with his explanation. I didn't get what he said because all I was up to is just to get closer to him. Good thing there was Abby and she just remembered what he said.

The next situation was with kuya Windell who promised me we'd go there.
Windell: Benjie, maglalaro ka bukas? (Benjie, are you playing tomorrow?)
Benjie: Oo. (Yeah)
Then from their conversation kuya Windell did something that made me look so dumb.
Windell: Benjie, si Michelle. (Benjie, meet Michelle.)
Benjie: Oh Michelle.
Me: Oh Benjie.
Benjie: Kilala ko na siya. Lagi yan dito nanghihingi ng masterlist. (I know her. She's always here requesting for some masterlist.)
And then I acted like a goof! Taran... I've gone dumber than ever...

I saw him for the last time while he was talking to some girl on the corridor and he's about to go home. That's it... that's all of it! This day's hyper like God's finally doing me a favor!

On my way home a thought just filled my mind:
"Why do I have to think about someone who doesn't think of me as well? I just wish he would feel the same way as I do. But how? He doesn't have to like me just because he knows I like him but he has to like me because this is me! And if he'd never know about it, I wouldn't be existing. My feeling's just going to waste."

Guess what, I have his number. Oliver even promised me he'd give his email address on Monday. I better not mention about him too much. Ma'am Dina might think I'm going to be incapable of doing the office works just because I have a crush on someone. I still have to be professional... hehe.

My internet providers are both bullshits. I thought that if I'd use the new one, it would be different but I'm still having the same problem. I hate it when I have to dial for almost half an hour or so and still not get connected.

Does really looks have to matter? Why do they judge him with how he carries himself? I mean, is there any wrong liking a guy who doesn't want his hair short? Or some guy who looks like just a rocker, or some popstar dresser? Yeah, they could say anything they want about him, whether it would be for a reason of turning me off or making me bite the truth. They got one big problem there, I won't care at all. I've been praying for someone like him and though my plots ain't that clear, I'm willing to wait and take things slowly just to win his heart.

I don't think I have friends at all. We had our class with sir Ely and he gave us a quiz. I didn't pass anything. My papers were full of doodles I've been writing instead of trying to answer the damn quiz. Something goes like this:

"Fuck, I wish I didn't attend this class. I'm miserable! I can't do anything while they're busy talking and discussing the exam. Does this mean that I didn't gain enough friends in class? Or is it just that I've chosen it myself to be alone in times like this? And that gothic girl I used to have a ride with some patok jeeps just sneaked inside my mind. Did she choose to be alone because she hates having friends or just because it's what goths are being known for and she has to follow that trend? Damn, this just means I should study hard by myself and not to expect any help from anyone."

I don't blame anybody with this but me. I know this is my own fault and I'm suffering the consequences. Besides, I'm not paying enough attention while sir Ely's discussing the lectures. So lessons were learned:

1. It's not good expecting any answer from anyone on the exams.
2. Never underestimate the power of listening and filling your brain up with your lessons just a day before the exam and lastly,
2.Friends will always be there for you no matter what but you should know who your friends really are.

Hell this brain's getting dumber and dumber I'm afraid it could only be a nutcase within some time from now. I've been writing down all my thoughts but then I'd put a big X on it with all the words turning to nothing. My head's empty with no right words to let all my thoughts spill out just exactly as they are. Damn! And because of that, I want to cry.

My lips were not doing any good either. It only knows and mentions one name this entire day. Benjie. He's the cute guy from PUPILS I've been admiring for the past months. And I even prayed about him last night. I like him but has no way og blurting it out or expressing it with any possible means. Yeah! This girl who everybody were used to seeing her bitching around at the corridors has gone chicken. But I'd rather stay this way. No rejections which can kill you and that's equal to inner peace and with your pride you can still wear just anywhere you want without feeling like an asshole or something.

He was with the other CCMIT (College of Computer Management and Information Technology) employees including kuya Windell and they had just finished their game (basketball). They won this morning but just lose the second game over the HRD Department. It's even worse on volleyball. We lose by default. That makes the other team ahead of us without sweating and exerting too much efforts except that our team made them wait for a while. What the heck! I didn't even have the chance to see Benjie playing at the hard court. He must be so cute! But I still saw him when they've got to get back to their offices eventhough he was leading the group while I was at the end of the line with Abby. I'm thankful somehow that I've seen him and it's more than enough for me. The story doesn't end there. They went at the Chairpersons' office for the merienda while I was at the Dean's office faxing some invitations to other schools. When the phone rang and the caller wants to talk to sir Melvin, God was still so good he's making things running smoothly on my side! Finally it's my chance to get out of my place and find sir Melvin. He wasn't to be found in his own office leaving me with one option, the Chairperson's office. Benjie was there beside the door when I came in. Just imagine how kuya Windell and ma'am Watty smiling while I was actually standing beside him. That was a big achievement for me. Just as I was thinking that this won't happen again after hiring ma'am Anne to take some pictures of him. And it all felt like a dream. I was asking for sir Melvin but they still didn't say anything. Then suddenly Benjie at last spoke to me, "Galit, galit." Yun lang! But I'm telling you, it's enough to fill me for the whole week with his thoughts. I guess nobody noticed and cared about it more than just myself. It's okay. I can keep it onto my own I won't even mind if they'd tell that I'm just stitching up my story. My mind's still occupied and I'm thanking God Almighty for this wonderful day. I still don't know if his single or attached to someone. I'd like to get the exact information I need for my next move. Either I'd stalk him and continue liking him without letting him know or just take the process of moving on finding someone better (just to let my pride boost at least) with my heart broken and still asking, "Lord naman, bakit di niyo pa binigay sa 'kin?! Tagal ko nang humiling ah! Nakapila pa rin ba?" Let's just wait and see... who knows where am I getting. For now, I'd sleep on this cold raining evening thinking of that brief word he'd said.

First entry! I've been thinking about what I'm about to post here for this day.I was a bit annoyed with that guy in Challenger 6 last night. He's a bully! And I've been swearing that I won't even think about riding that jeep again. Not even if it's the only jeep I have to ride just to get to Cubao. I'd just take a different route. The guy's totally undesirable not to mention that he's way too far from being handsome. Duh! He spoiled everything!

Change topic...

So I've felt luckier early yesterday morning on my way to school. I had the chance to ride Chino. I love that jeep so much! Loud music, speeding ticket, and cool passengers can really make my day. I'm a Patokera by heart! What am I up to? Patok jeeps! Those public vehicles from Marikina to Sta. Mesa. There are even lots of them in Antipolo, Cogeo, Montalban, etc. It may sound a little bit of boring but actually it's not. It's absolutely a different thing everybody should experience unless you're too afraid to die unexpectedly.

Vaness, Ken and Barbie just left Philippines last Sunday morning. I'm telling you, I love the three famous chinese casts of Meteor Garden. I'm sure I got that Meteor Fever they've been telling. And God, I won't even ask for a single cure. I like Ken so much! He has this simple and gentle attitude I like most in a guy. Sadly, I don't have any chances of seeing him with just some steps from me. But seeing him on TV is enough to complete me while saying, "Ken ang gwapo-gwapo mo, sobra!" I like Vaness too. He's pretty cool and I'm sure that there wouldn't be any boring moments with him (I'm speaking like a pro. As if I had the chance to know them upclose and personal). But Barbie gave me that touchy feeling and I'm pretty sure even the other Meteor Garden fans had felt this up to now. She's kind and so modest. I was thinking that she has this bad reputation in Taiwan based on the gossips we heard from some chinese students in school. We judged her just because she has tatoos on some parts of her body. Whatever! She's one person Filipinos would never forget. I love them so much I even watched Meteor Garden's episode yesterday afternoon. Shan Cai just found Dao Ming Su through Yesha and she finally told him about the things they had before he got an amnesia. Yesha even found it all out from Mei Zhuo. The episode was a bit heartbreaking coz Dao went back to Yesha leaving Shan Cai alone and crying.

I'm not surprised. It's raining and I doubt if there would still be a parade. One thing I'm sure, I'd be there late. I alarmed my cellphone at 5:45 and I woke up. But it's quite freezing in my room so I just thought of not going to school as early as 8 o'clock.

I can't find all my CDs of Sims. I don't know who the heck borrowed it from me and still not on the mood of returning it back. I'm looking forward of playing that game on my pc since I'm not occupied with academic stuffs. In case the asshole won't give it back, I've planned of buying the Deluxe kind and the Superstar CD. Yeah, I'm an avid player of Sims. I'm enjoying it. And I'm pretty sure it's much better than Oz world. Much challenging on some sort except that both can get me boring sometimes. But I can get a hang of it. How I wish I can play it right now... Damn.